Four years ago, when I found out we were pregnant with our first child, I was eager to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. I didn’t have a preference either way, I just knew I wanted at least one of each and it didn’t matter which came first. We found out in the ultrasound it was a happy, healthy baby boy and I was genuinely excited and I even think I went to buy boy clothes that same day to celebrate.
Soon after Layton was born, people started asking when are you going to try for your next one? Usually followed with, are you hoping it’s a girl someday? The answer, at first, was it doesn’t matter, but I really think this is when I started to just assume I’d have a girl as my next one. Flash forward 3 years later and I’m 20 weeks pregnant waiting for the ultrasound results. We planned a special reveal with balloons for everyone to find out. The box opens and 6 beautiful blue balloons go floating to the sky, I happily say “yay, a boy!” before starting to cry and feel a sadness I wasn’t quite sure how to explain.
For pretty much 28 years, I have wanted to be the mother of a daughter. I have spent years and years, practicing by putting my dolls in dresses, brushing and braiding their hair and painting the nails of anyone I could get my hands on. I was put on this earth to have a daughter one day (or so I thought). I have spent countless amounts of time since starting this motherhood journey hoping to have a daughter one day. I had names picked, colors for the nursery and had even bookmarked cute mommy and me outfits to purchase and wear someday. In a two second act of opening a box and seeing blue balloons, I felt this immediate sense of sadness for what I might never have. I have spent the last 3 days, crying about things that I might miss out on having two boys. I pictured myself picking out prom dresses and wedding dresses with her, being the mother of the bride one day, spending days bonding over shopping and crafts.. the list goes on. I had spent years just assuming one day, I’d get all these things.
I can’t quite explain this sadness and I’m not sure that I ever will be able to tell anyone what its like but I have found myself emotional and angry and needing to get it out. I am emotional because I feel like I have lost the chance to experience being a mom to both genders and angry at myself for even being sad about something like this. I am extremely grateful to have another healthy and perfect little boy on the way. I know that many woman do not get to experience this ever in their lives and I have been granted the opportunity to do it not once but twice so far and for that I am extremely thankful. I know that this is not necessarily the end of my childbearing journey but there is a sense of finality in it for me. My emotions are overwhelming and this has been difficult to accept.
Over the last couple days, I have heard the traditional “congrats, another boy,” almost as if they were disappointed too. I have heard the whole “boys are awesome, being a boymom is great” speech and everything in between. While this may be true, I can’t help but be a little bitter and I just return to thinking “that’s great but I don’t want to be just a boy mom.” I have read several articles relating to this gender disappointment feeling and have found comfort in knowing that I am not the only one that this has happened to. While I don’t know what’s in store for me and if I’ll have more kids someday, I do know that the sadness I have felt is overwhelming and difficult to accept and I pray that it will get better with time.
I don’t know if anyone else has ever experienced this but I wanted to share my feelings because I have realized that being sad is okay. Life is full of sadness and happiness and I know that the second this baby boy comes into our lives, I will have forgotten all about these days, weeks or months and I will again realize my purpose in this world, boy mom or not.